Presenters Meeting: The final countdown

[Neil Rigby]

"Good morning everybody," says Alex, today's producer, "and welcome to the final show."

It is too much to bear and Kate immediately starts crying. She falls to the floor, gnashing her teeth and ripping at her clothes. Chris sits in stunned silence, a single tear falling down his stony face. Martin dabs at his eyes with his silken locks, like a modern day Samson.

But then Alex produces a family-size pack of Celebrations, wishes Roger - the other producer - a happy birthday, and everyone is immediately better. Besides, Kate and Chris have a trick up their sleeve.

Usually, the whole team discusses what will happen in the pre-title sequence but today Kate is adamant.

"I'm sorry," she says, addressing Tim, the very nervous executive producer, "but today the pre-title sequence is set in stone and we're not telling you anything about it."

Tim has now gone beyond chewing his finger-nails and is now down to his knuckles. It is not a pretty sight.

"Don't worry," Kate says. "It will run to time, it won't be controversial, and you'll love it. I promise."

Tim nods quietly but there is more nerve-testing to come. On tonight's show Simon King is going to do something with a blow-up turtle called Tallulah. This gets Hannah, one of the assistant producers, singing the song from Bugsy Malone.

"My name is Tallulah. I live til I die... Pop!" I know I saw it a long time ago, but I don't remember there being a 'pop!' in the original song...

Gradually, Tim is appeased by talk of real animals. If all goes according to plan, tonight's episode will include kestrel chicks, a wasp's nest, tawny owls, Arctic terns, razorbills, little ringed plovers, your own home videos, and an update on our cuckoo sightings.

Biggest of all though is the news that the adult male linnet has been seen holding the chicks over the side of the nest.

It is a sad moment and everyone is a bit shocked. But then someone spots some ducklings passing outside. People jump up, run out the door, and don't come back. It is a strange, anticlimactic - but fitting - end to our last presenters meeting.

Once again, nature is calling the shots.




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